An Evaporated Smile -Part 1

I can see this candle burning its thread to melt its wax, just to give me light, no no no, not the one you are thinking, the different one, the light that takes me in another place, might be, it is the place I actually belong. In that place it is dark around a strong light with the green grass at bottom and a slow noise of a river flowing nearby, ah! It gives me peace. I am maxpein and people call me max with love. I live in a desert of trasser, it is a place in between the oceans where only my hometown gamelia exists. I am 14 years old, as my parents say, and the colour of my skin is tan. There's a story, how I got to know what is the colour of my skin, I laugh when I think about it. One day I was wondering nowhere in the market and I suddenly lost my way home, I started wandering from place to place and got tired of looking my way back home, I sat down near a wall to rest for some time, as I was resting, a voice came from behind the wall, it was a girl's voice, she asked, "why are you sitting here?", I replied that I am too tired to walk now that's why I am here, she asked," Are you lost here?", I said "no". This conversation went on for long and once she asked me what's my skin colour, no one asked me this question before, I was confused what to answer, I replied in a hurry that, it is orangey, she laughed at my answer too much and, said, " Do you mean tan?", I replied "yes". Then after I was done resting, I asked her why doesn't she show me her face and come in front of the wall, as she agreed, suddenly she was called by her parents to come inside her home and I left from there. So, that's how I got to know that my skin colour is tan. I have one sibling and she is elder than me by 4 years. She too wants to live like I do, but she doesn't know how hard it is to be me. I hardly sleep for 6 hours, I have to do all the manly work at home like, helping in doing the tough works and if I rest during day, they call me useless, and I have to go to market to get all the items in house and the biggest difficulty to be me is that no one loves me, actually everyone does but no one knows how. I go to study in the nearby library that has thousands of old edition books, it never updates its books, and for me those books are still a good amount of knowledge. The books I read, contain the romantic, science fiction, tragedy and a little bit of comedy. Actually, books are meant to be read, no matter what is the genre. Few years ago when I was in the library, reading a romance genre, suddenly my eyes went off the book on a beautiful face moving around the shelves looking for some book, i think; my mouth remained open, my heart felt in my head and my hand started sweating, I think I didn't blink when I was looking at her, I tried hard to go near her but my principles stopped me from doing so, I kept looking at her, until she vanished from my sight, out of the library. I tried to focus back on my book but I couldn't, the smile of that girl just kept me from doing anything, it felt that my brain only had capacity to hold that smile, ah! That smile was so beautiful. Next day I went to the library as normal and started to focus on the book that I left unfinished yesterday, and didn't find any trace of that girl again. I stopped to think about her and tried to focus on my life, but... I failed to do so, whenever I read a book, my mind wanted to get in the same scene as it was while seeing that girl. I asked a boy who was in the library, on the day I saw that girl, that if he knew something about that girl, he replied me with her name and said that's all I know about her, he said that he got to know her name by looking on the front page of her diary as she opened it to note something down. Now I had her name, but only name wouldn't allow me to get to her. After few days I went to see my only friend who had come to library for some work, as we met we talked a lot, then he asked me about my life, while I was telling him my daily life, I told him about the girl, as I was telling him the story, that girl again came in the library and I pointed her to him that she's the one, as he saw her, he got up with a shock and tried to calm himself, then he said that she's his neighbour and the distance between their houses is less. Then as he was telling me about her, that girl left and I was again left in a chaos of her gorgeous smile. That day on my way back home I bought a pin board, to place it out of my room, so that I can share my ideas with everyone by pinning them on it. When I reached home, I showed it to my parents, and they indeed appreciated it. After I placed that board outside my room at a place which was visible from the road. I pinned my ideas on it daily, and one day I got a letter that said if these pins were originally written by me, I got shocked who in the world is so fascinated by my ideas. Next day I pinned on board a note saying," Only the ideas that have my name written on the end of them are originally written by me, otherwise rest are copied from books.". Now the question for me was who was the person who read my pins so deeply. After few days, as I was walking through the market, I discovered a board that had a beautiful writing on it which said, " Even if you love someone, it doesn't mean you got the right over that person", as I read it my mind got numb, it stopped working, my life had only thing left in it, and that was loneliness, it sucked me deep into a thought of love, was I loving her beauty or her. It felt like a blackhole, no way out. I thought only one thing now," I won't look for that girl", because she distracted me so much without even knowing who she was and without having any contact, how much will she distract me when I have her contact, as I was thinking this, the thought of the letter came in my mind, " Who wrote it?". I stopped and then moved on with the road, finally when I reached home, I entered my room, I noticed it was not in order, everything was scattered like my thoughts. I gathered everything and decided to live a normal life as I was having earlier, and even if I see that girl, I'll just ignore. Again, I was in the library that day, and what to my surprise I saw was that my unfinished book was borrowed by someone. I was so much disappointed and left for home that day without reading. I was too depressed by everything, and didn't maintain my board that day and was exhausted, all I wanted was a piece of peace in my life. It was winters and everything was cold to touch, now I felt alone, because the clouds were hiding the moon behind them, moon, was the only thing that used to make me smile while I looked at it, actually moon seemed to be in love with me, it shined every time I looked at it, I loved it when the stars around it also twinkled and seemed to be winking at the smile that I got on my face. But that day when I looked at it, it didn't light up, my smile was still there but it felt evaporated by a reason of not seeing someone love me. As my face slowly was bending it's curve down, the clouds seemed to be making way for something, and guess what, it was the moon and the stars, my face felt like all the soul that evaporated from the smile came back, but still, one thing was missing, it was the candle to be lit and move to a beautiful place in my broken heart, where even in darkest hours fireflies were wandering over grass and then the rivers flowed with a slow sound reflecting the yellow light of fireflies. I still can't forget that day when the clouds gave me the soul of smile back, after evaporating it.

Thejulaybeeb